Fear of.... ( ______ )

People? Trust? Both probably.

I am discovering something about myself. What I don't understand is WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!

4th attempt. I keep deleting the whole thing. I think I've narrowed it down to fear of getting to know people and more so, allowing people into my 3 foot safety net, to get to know me. Actually, that last part came from a man I call "Teach". Some call that a Spiritual Advisor, or Spiritual Teacher. We get together at least a couple times a month, or run into each other on occasion and do that "quick catch up" thing. He was here Sunday, and I, for whatever reason, mentioned that I catch myself not looking at anyone in particular, in the eye, when I share at meetings. "Why do you think you do that?", he asked. My reply? After a heavy sigh, "I have no idea." At that moment, he asked me if he could move closer into my "space". I giggled, said "sure!", then he explained to me that everyone has a 3 foot bubble that they don't necessarily invite people into, so he asks first. Hadn't really thought of that, and now I'm trying to remember to ask people the same. We faced each other, sitting on my couch, he asked me to put my hands into his, then proceeded to talk to me about trust. He commented that I'd been looking him in the eye the entire time and asked if I trust him. "Yes, I do." He continued, that if I trust people, and even myself, then it should be easier to do that, because it also comforts others when you do look them in the eye. I'd never thought of it that way before.

When having just ordinary discussion with friends, or whomever, I never noticed that I don't look them in the eye. I think for the most part, I do. What I have now noticed is that when I share my feelings or even thoughts at a recovery meeting, is when I don't do that - in a large group of people. One on one with people, it's much easier for me. I told him someone said to me that I'm not good at being vulnerable with people. AT ALL. Like I almost don't let people know that I need them. The more I thought about it, I think she's right. I think I do want people to think I'm Ms. Independent, that I can take care of me by myself, so don't you worry about me. I got this. What a terrible attitude and it's certainly not helping anyone. Especially those that are new. I've always been told and even tell people myself not to try and do it all on my own in recovery. To let people help, when it's needed. AND to ask for help, which is really hard sometimes.

I'm discovering more and more how much I really need people. I try to take their words to heart, and have started sharing more about what I might be going through. Not whiny, just matter of fact stuff, If I'm dealing with a situation. It feels good to let everyone know more about where I am in my program, rather than just a couple people here and there. I keep being told that others relate and need to hear these things, and I know this, but its hard to do sometimes. I was in a meeting earlier, where they had very few names on the list to share. I completely related to the topic of discussion, so I raised my hand. I became aware that I wasn't looking at anyone, again. So I did something different. I started looking people in the eye. Finally. Even people I'd never seen before. It actually felt really good.

The 9th Step Promises say that "Fear of people..... will leave us" (and a whole bunch of other great stuff) Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. It's just strange. Me & fears. The meetings I go to have about 100 people in them most every night. It's crazy how I can tell you almost everyone's name in there on any given night. But I can only tell you about a small handful of them. Including me. We're getting there.

And I ran into Teach outside when I was leaving tonight. Couldn't help but smile about that.