More on fear... jeez.

Last, I posted about my fear of people, getting to know them, and them getting to know me. So, I acknowledge that and suddenly other fears are presented before me to tackle. The crazy part is, I started saying those out loud to lots of people. Now I'm experiencing results of that. Good ones.

For a few months I had quietly said to a few people that I've thought more and more (without any action) about re-joining the work force. I've said in recents posts that I don't even have the slightest idea of what it is I want to do. I kept getting the "you'll know when you get there" from some, but one particular friend, my best (female) friend, Mary, is better at hearing me. HEARING me, then encouraging me to actually do something and suggesting a starting point. I love her and hate her all at the same time, sometimes. Because she's always right. Everyone should have a Mary.

Mary and I sat in a restaurant recently, just catching up on each other's lives and out of nowhere, she looked at me like only a motherly type knows how and said, "Take a career aptitude test! You're too smart to waste your talent doing something you don't like." Talent? What talent? I have no idea what it is I want to do, or even what I like to do, besides read, sit online, play in the garden, write (just simple thoughts) and look at life in awe of the things around me - weather, nature, buildings, people ... I love to snap pictures of just stuff, and I love recipes - cooking, baking, I call that fun. I wonder many times, how is it that I'm 40 years old and have no idea or direction of what I'd like? I'd love to say I blame that on my ex-husband for being a seriously jealous type and encouraging me to NOT go to college or some type of schooling, but fact of the matter is, I'm the one that chose not to. I didn't have to NOT go, therefore, I really can't blame him. I blamed him for so many things in the past, and I can admit today, that I had a part in all those things/decisions, as well. Plus there's the fact that all that was a part of 17 years ago!

Later that evening, I went online, searched for the appropriate testing and gave it a whirl. My first thought was, "HOW many questions?! This will take forever!!". But, I stuck to it, and did it anyway. Yes, the test took a while, but what else did I have to do? Make more excuses? I'm wearing me out with that today. When I read the results, I was excited and even somewhat surprised. I can't remember ever taking a career aptitude test. It suggested opportunities to me that I would be good at, my personality, work ethic, and so on... It suggested careers that I was highly interested in and hadn't thought of for me before. Some of it was quite surprising because some of the things I like to do, that I feel are only "likes", were on the list - i.e. creative writing, culinary, artistic in some way, photography. This test called me names like realistic, a thinker, a creator, a helper and attentive. That suggested me - in black and white. Words I've never used to describe myself and wouldn't have. People I shared this with agreed with the test. My ego (?) has a hard time swallowing all that, but I want to claim all those words about me and do something with it. So, I've decided it's time for me to investigate more about schools and classes around here. I'm 40 - so what? I can't let that be an excuse anymore. Mary is doing it. She decided at the age of 49 to go back for her Masters, and is nearly finished now, about 2 yrs later. I owe this to no one but myself to at least explore what feels right for me. Then to be that. And I owe a big THANK YOU to Mary for always kicking my butt when I need it.

I was at a meeting the other night and was asked to chair that meeting at the last minute. My first thought was all the fear I'd been looking at for the last couple of weeks. So we had a topic meeting on Fear. I decided to share my own fear of being a grown up and putting myself out there, to do something that matters to me and makes me happy. Sounds ridiculous, but it's true. When I shared, I told everyone, that I wanted to be responsible about my own fears and the fact that I was saying it out loud in front of about 80 people was my hope for accountability.

There's another thing that happened regarding fear, after the meeting, but this is long enough, so I'll go into that next time. But it's feeling really good about now. :)