Fear of.... ( ______ )

People? Trust? Both probably.

I am discovering something about myself. What I don't understand is WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!

4th attempt. I keep deleting the whole thing. I think I've narrowed it down to fear of getting to know people and more so, allowing people into my 3 foot safety net, to get to know me. Actually, that last part came from a man I call "Teach". Some call that a Spiritual Advisor, or Spiritual Teacher. We get together at least a couple times a month, or run into each other on occasion and do that "quick catch up" thing. He was here Sunday, and I, for whatever reason, mentioned that I catch myself not looking at anyone in particular, in the eye, when I share at meetings. "Why do you think you do that?", he asked. My reply? After a heavy sigh, "I have no idea." At that moment, he asked me if he could move closer into my "space". I giggled, said "sure!", then he explained to me that everyone has a 3 foot bubble that they don't necessarily invite people into, so he asks first. Hadn't really thought of that, and now I'm trying to remember to ask people the same. We faced each other, sitting on my couch, he asked me to put my hands into his, then proceeded to talk to me about trust. He commented that I'd been looking him in the eye the entire time and asked if I trust him. "Yes, I do." He continued, that if I trust people, and even myself, then it should be easier to do that, because it also comforts others when you do look them in the eye. I'd never thought of it that way before.

When having just ordinary discussion with friends, or whomever, I never noticed that I don't look them in the eye. I think for the most part, I do. What I have now noticed is that when I share my feelings or even thoughts at a recovery meeting, is when I don't do that - in a large group of people. One on one with people, it's much easier for me. I told him someone said to me that I'm not good at being vulnerable with people. AT ALL. Like I almost don't let people know that I need them. The more I thought about it, I think she's right. I think I do want people to think I'm Ms. Independent, that I can take care of me by myself, so don't you worry about me. I got this. What a terrible attitude and it's certainly not helping anyone. Especially those that are new. I've always been told and even tell people myself not to try and do it all on my own in recovery. To let people help, when it's needed. AND to ask for help, which is really hard sometimes.

I'm discovering more and more how much I really need people. I try to take their words to heart, and have started sharing more about what I might be going through. Not whiny, just matter of fact stuff, If I'm dealing with a situation. It feels good to let everyone know more about where I am in my program, rather than just a couple people here and there. I keep being told that others relate and need to hear these things, and I know this, but its hard to do sometimes. I was in a meeting earlier, where they had very few names on the list to share. I completely related to the topic of discussion, so I raised my hand. I became aware that I wasn't looking at anyone, again. So I did something different. I started looking people in the eye. Finally. Even people I'd never seen before. It actually felt really good.

The 9th Step Promises say that "Fear of people..... will leave us" (and a whole bunch of other great stuff) Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. It's just strange. Me & fears. The meetings I go to have about 100 people in them most every night. It's crazy how I can tell you almost everyone's name in there on any given night. But I can only tell you about a small handful of them. Including me. We're getting there.

And I ran into Teach outside when I was leaving tonight. Couldn't help but smile about that.

Just do it.

I've caught myself. So, I said I'd start a blog and all I did was lose everything I typed, then posted my own frustration. Nothing more.

Where I'm busted. Instead of sitting and writing/typing what it is I think about, I write down a quick note, as a reminder, so that when I do sit to do this I'll know what I want to talk about. Well, that's not what I wanted this to be about. I want to just be me and type about what I may or may not be going through. My thoughts become so random, that I could go off on many tangents. I'm deciding that I could just sit here at any given time and put my thought here, instead of on a piece of paper. No one has asked me to be deep and profound. I have that expectation of myself, and that fact is I'm not a deep or profound person. Don't sit and type if you have nothing profound to say! Why not? Because it's ONLINE. So. Didn't I want this to be a journal? Yeah. So I'm just doing it.

I was thinking that that is the only difference between me and any given person. I see people around me, whether it's on TV, out and about, people I read about in books, friends, etc... and sit and tell myself I wish I was _____, or I'd like to be _______. Well they did something to be that. They DID it. Whatever it took to get there, they did it.

I way overthink a lot of things. Fact of the matter is I just don't know what it is that I want to be or do, so I don't know what step to take first. I attack myself about that, because I'm 40 years old and haven't really done anything that I really want to do, because I don't know what it is. For the majority of my life, I was doing what someone else wanted me to do, be it parents, or (ex)husband, so I was acting as if that's what I was. Maybe it's only an identity/mid-life crisis. A temporary one, hopefully. I took some time off work to just be. Well, I've just been for a couple years now, so I feel like it's time to do something about that. That thought continues to weigh on me more and more, lately. So I feel like maybe it's like the Universe, or maybe even God, telling me it's time. Time to be and do. I do pray about this. I have been thanking in advance for something like a vision. Maybe even a nod or a nudge. I believe I'll know and I believe it will happen. When the time comes.

What?!

What'd I do wrong? I typed and typed, edited... and it got deleted? Oh bummed.